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January 29, 2010
Three Important Days

Each human being is born as something new, something that never existed before.  They are born with what they need to win at life.  Each person in their own way, can see, hear, touch, taste and think.  Each has their own unique potential, capabilities and limitations.  Each can be a significant, thinking, aware, and creative productive person...In short...each person is capable of being a "Winner".

The words "Winners" and "Losers" have many meanings.  When we refer to a person as a winner, we do not mean one who beats the other guy by making him lose.  Rather a winner is one who is credible, trustworthy, responsive, and genuine, both as an individual as a member of society. 

Few people are 100% winners or 100% losers.  It’s a matter of degree.  However, once a person is on the road to being a winner, their chances are greater for becoming even more so.


Winners have different potentials.  Achievement is not the most important thing to a winner... authenticity is.  The authentic person experiences the reality of their own self by knowing themselves, being themselves, and becoming a credible, responsive, person.  They actualize their own unprecedented uniqueness and appreciates the uniqueness of others.

Winners do not dedicate their lives to being someone they "should" be, but rather they are themselves and as such they do not use their energies to put on a performance, maintain pretense, and/or manipulate others.

Winners can revel their true selves instead of projecting images that please, provoke, or entice others.  They are keenly aware that is a difference being loving and acting loving, between being stupid and acting stupid, between being knowledgeable and acting knowledgeable.  They do not need to hide behind mask.  Winners throw off unrealistic self images of inferiority or superiority.  Autonomy does not frighten a winner.

Everyone has moments of autonomy, if only fleeting.  However, winners are able to sustain their autonomy over ever-increasing periods of time.  They may lose ground occasionally.  They may even fail.  Yet despite setbacks, winners maintain a basic faith in themselves and others.

Winners are not afraid to do their own thinking and to use their own knowledge.  They can separate facts from opinion and don’t pretend to have all the answers.  They listen to others, evaluate what they say, but still come to their own conclusions.  While they can admire and respect other people, they are not totally defined, demolished, bound, or awed by them.

Winners do not play "helpless" nor do they play the blaming game.  Instead they assume responsibility for their own lives and actions.  They do not give others a false authority over him.  They are the boss of their own lives and they know it.

A winner’s timing is right.  They respond "appropriately" to the situation at hand.  Their response is appropriate when related to the message sent and preserves the significance, worth, well-being, and dignity of the people involved.  They know that for everything there is a season and for every activity a time.

A time to be aggressive and a time to be passive.
A time to be together and a time to be alone.
A time to fight and a time to love.
A time to work and a time to play.
A time to confront and a time to withdraw.
A time to speak and a time to listen.
A time to hurry and a time to wait.

To winners, time is precious.  They don’t kill it.  They live life here and now.  Living in the now does not mean that they foolishly ignore their past history or fail to prepare for their future.  Rather, they know and use their past to gain experience, are aware and alive in the present, and prepare for the future ahead.

Winners learns to know their feelings and their limitations and are not afraid of them.  They are not stopped by their own contradictions and ambivalence.  They know when they are angry and can listen when others are angry with them.  They can give and receive affection.  They are able to love and be loved.

Winners can be spontaneous.  They do not have to respond in predetermined, rigid ways.  They can change their plans when the situation calls for it.  They enjoy work, play, food, other people, art, and the world of nature.  Without guilt they enjoy their own accomplishments.  Without envy they enjoy the accomplishments of others.

Although winners can freely enjoy themselves, they can also postpone enjoyment.  They can discipline themselves in the present to enhance their enjoyment in the future.  They are not afraid to go after what they wants but do so in appropriate ways.  They do not get their security in controlling others.  They do not set themselves up to lose.

Winners care about the world and its people.  They are not isolated from the general problems of society.  They are concerned, compassionate, and committed to improving the quality of life.  Even in the face of national and international adversity, they do not see themselves totally powerless.  They help people to learn and freely share what they know with others.  They do what he can to make the world a better place.


Although people are born to win, they are also born helpless and totally dependent on their environment.  Winners successfully make the transaction from total helplessness to independence and interdependence.  Losers do not.  Somewhere along the line they begin to avoid becoming self-responsible.

As noted above, few people are total winners or losers.  Most people are winners in some areas of their lives and losers in others.  Their winning or losing is influenced by experiences of the past.

A lack of response to dependency needs, poor nutrition, brutality, unhappy relationships, disease, continuing disappointments, inadequate physical care, and traumatic events are among the many experiences that contribute too the making people losers.  Such experiences interrupt, deter, or prevent the normal progress toward autonomy and self-actualization.  To cope with the negative experiences, children learn to manipulate themselves and others.  These manipulative techniques are hard to give up later in life and often become set patterns.  A winner works to shed them.  A loser hangs on to them.

Some losers speak of themselves as successful but anxious, successful but trapped, or successful but unhappy.  Others speak of themselves as totally beat, without purpose, unable to move, half dead, or bored to death.  Losers may not recognize that, for the most part, they have been building their own cage and digging their own grave.

Losers seldom lives in the present.  They destroy the present by occupying their mind with past memories or future expectations.

When losers lives in his past, they dwell on the good old days or on their past misfortunes.  Nostalgically, they either cling to the way things "used to be" or bemoans bad luck.  They feel sorry for themselves and shift the responsibility for their unsatisfactory lives unto others.  Blaming others and excusing themselves are often part of their games.  Losers who live in the past may lament "if only":

If only I had married someone else...
If only I had a different job...
If only I had finished school...
If only I had been better looking...
If only my spouse had stopped drinking...
If only I had been born rich...
If only I had better parents...

When people live in the future they may dream of some miracle after which they can "live happily ever after".  Rather than pursuing their own lives, they wait--waiting for the magical rescue.  How wonderful life will be "when":

When school is over...
When prince charming or the ideal woman comes along...
When the kids grow up...
When that new job opens up...
When the economy gets better...
When my ship comes in...  

In contrast to those who live with the delusion of a magical rescue, some losers live constantly under the dread of future catastrophe.  They conjure up expectations of "what if":  

What if I lose my job...
What if I get sick...
What if I fail...
What if I don’t like it...
What if they don’t like me...
What if I make a mistake...

Becoming more of a winner isn’t hard.  It just takes a decision to take control of your own life and live a life that is authentic and real.  Winning a 100% of the time might be unrealistic for you at the moment but working toward winning should be the end goal.

The three most important days of your life are yesterday, today and tomorrow...

Thank you very much for all of your support of OptiFuse as we try to win more than we lose...

Jim Kalb

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